INSECURE

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Lola sat in a corner of her room, staring hard into the screen of her phone. It was almost as if her eyes were deceiving her, she had watched the same video many times in one sitting, yet, she couldn't make any sense of it.

"How is it possible?" She asked. Not like she was expecting a response, it'd have been an entirely different issue if she got one, because lived alone.

Almost immediately, her phone rang. Seeing the caller, she hesitated before picking up.

"Hello babes... did you see the video? Your ex is getting married" Her friend said from the other end of the phone.

Lola was too stunned to give a response. She carefully dropped her phone and walked to her bathroom, she needed to breathe, under the shower maybe.

"Lola... are you there? Can you hear me?" Her friend probed.

She didn't even have the strength to pull off her clothes. She stepped into the shower, and there she let the tears flow.

Simon had been her sweetheart from her university days, and it was clear to everyone around them that they were in love; it wasn't so difficult to tell... Lola herself was head over heels.

He was the perfect description of the man of her dreams, and having him as the man in her reality was the icing on her romance cake.

But, despite their commitment to each other even after their uni days, and the many future plans they made together, their relationship came to an end, in the most unexpected way. It wasn't something Lola had envisaged, but it happened anyways, and it broke her completely.

Nineteen months later, she was still hung up on a man who had moved on with his life. Any hope of them getting back together had completely fizzled out, seeing as Simon already proposed to the 'Love of his life'.

"How can he get married? It has only been a year and half" Lola thought to herself. The pain she felt was fresh, and deep... a reminder of what it felt like when they had first broken up.

"I don't want to raise a family with a woman who's insecure about one thing or the other"

"I can't do this anymore, I'm tired... I want a break up Lola" Simon had said to her that day.

Lola was dumbfounded, 'handicapped' like the social media people would describe it. Not like it was his fault, Lola was a lot to handle and Simon had been patient enough to deal with her insecurities all through the five years that they had been together.

Lola knew that Simon wasn't wrong about her being insecure, but he had been her cheerleader all the way... His constant validation of herself was what kept her going all through the years.

The subtle comparison of herself with Simon's female colleagues at work, the times she'd never stop wishing that her own full lips were as thin as the other ladies' lamenting about how hers restricted her from wearing certain lipstick shades like she wanted to.

Sometimes, it didn't matter that Simon would say "To me, you're the most beautiful woman, inside and outside" Lola would jump off that train unto another. There was always something that made her uncomfortable about her body.

"I like the shorter dress, it'll look good on you... It shows off your fine legs, just the way I like it" Simon had said to her prior to one of their date nights.

However, Lola didn't think that she had fine legs, her bowlegs weren't worth showing off... so she thought. That night, she had insisted on wearing a longer gown, although good, it was nowhere near the purple dress her man had picked for her.

"What if it gets cold outside tonight? I don't want to risk wearing an inappropriate dress for the weather" Lola countered.

Simon saw right through her lie. Lola's legs were the exact description of 'sexy bow legs'. The one that Crayon sang as "Girl your bowlegs make I go crazy..." in one of Mavins' popular hit songs, and Simon knew that, coupled with the fact that she had silky smooth skin. But, as usual, Lola thought otherwise, hence the reason she insisted on the long gown that'd hide her legs.

Their date night had gone rather awkwardly, with Simon giving the cold shoulder vibes and Lola pretending not to notice. If only she knew that a million and one thoughts were running through his mind that night. Simon on the other hand thought that he had had enough. He didn't think that he could go a lifetime of constantly validating a woman who always felt the need to hide.

It was that night, after he had dropped her off at her place that he dropped the bombshell. Lola felt like her whole world was crashing down, she had expected a back and forth, a little argument and Simon's validation again… nothing prepared her for the 'breakfast' he dished her.

"You're a good woman, a beautiful one too, but Lola… you have demons and you have to fight them, otherwise, they'll always get in the way of any good thing that you have" Simon said.

"Demons? What do you mean?" Lola asked.

"You're an insecure woman Lola… you're insecure about your body and it's making you unstable for our relationship. I'm getting burned out from constantly validating your feelings just because of how you see yourself" Simon replied.

"I don't want to raise a family with a woman who's insecure about one thing or the other…" He continued, adding salt to her injury.

"Until you start seeing yourself as beautiful, I doubt if anything can really change for you"

Lola was too broken to say anything. She was choking on the tears that she was fighting so hard to hold back.

"I can't do this anymore, I'm tired... I want a break up Lola" 

"Goodbye" Simon said, turning and walking away from her.

"I'm not insecure" Lola shouted from behind him in a teary voice. But Simon didn't seem to hear, or maybe he pretended not to, and that was the last conversation that they had.

Nineteen months later, Lola was still the same; insecure, broken too, and Simon had found himself a woman to marry. He had obviously moved on with his life.

It wasn't his fault, but she had chosen to blame him instead. If he loved her, he'd have stayed and helped her conquer her insecurity, he wouldn't have left her like that.

"You have demons and you have to fight them…" Simon's words re-echoed in her ears.

Even though those words had stayed with her all through the time that they had been apart, Lola had made no attempt to curtail her insecurity. She held onto the grief from their separation like her life depended on it.

But now, it was time to let go and move on.

She pulled off her clothes, allowing herself to take a proper bath. She stepped out of the shower different from she entered; a woman with a mission.

She proceeded to dress in a way she had never dared to before. Putting finishing touches on her makeup, she smiled, satisfied with the face of the woman that stared back at her in the mirror.

"Let's go fight some demons" she said, letting out a devilish laugh.

Someone is about to hit the streets of Lagos, and not even her ex's new found love escapade could stop her.

The end of it? Who knows… Maybe Lola herself will come tell us.

©Lightwriter's archive

October, 2023.

__________________________

Can I whisper to you for a few minutes?

Actually... I need you to read.

Lola is a character inspired by the younger me, the me who cared so much about what everyone had to say about her body.

No, I wasn't aware, not until people started calling my attention to it, in a bid to laugh at me. Well, it did get to me, but, I also got over it.

Some lines about Lola's body might have been exaggerated though, but the point is, Lola is not really a fictional character. 

She represents every woman who everyday, choose to belittle themselves because they think that their body should have come out differently.

People often say that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, but I think that if the beholder can't be you first, then there's probably no beauty (if this makes any sense... LOL)

Constantly depending on people's validation to feel good about yourself will never be enough for you because your insecurity will make you insatiable.

It's not just about your body, it's about you, and everything that you represent.

Learn to love yourself, wholeheartedly.

Stop pulling yourself down, or tearing your self esteem apart by yourself.

I hope you stop hiding, and get the courage to put yourself out there like you should❤️

Thank you for reading😊